Turn On the Laughing Gas

I am trying to fire my dentist. She is ruining my teeth, refusing sedation, and charging me for endless visits that mostly involve drilling directly into my nervous system.

Lately, she's been stopping by to visit the ex-husband I currently need an oxygen mask around because of the never-ending opened cat food cans.

Years ago, before we got married, they slept together. Now, for reasons no therapist can explain, she brings ME flowers.

At night, the two of them sit in the smelly den watching television while I walk around wondering if adulthood is just a series of hostage situations.

Tomorrow is his birthday. Somehow, she convinced me that the two of us should take him out for a fancy dinner.

Will someone please… turn on the laughing gas already.